the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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