it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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