You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
she looked like the before picture.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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