She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Randomize
