I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Randomize
