I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Randomize
