I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
