I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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