Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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