Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
