I got chris browned last night
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Randomize
