and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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