Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize