no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Randomize
