I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize