She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
