The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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