checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
