i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
