I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
