I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Randomize
