I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Randomize