You were right. It hurts to walk today.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
