I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
