Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
