im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Randomize
