Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Randomize
