Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
