I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
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