Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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