If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize