I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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