we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
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