....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
mondays should just be called national damage control day
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Randomize