The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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