hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
