I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Well I just put wine in my tea
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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