my mouth tastes like poor choices
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
