Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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