i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize
