Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize