I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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