She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Randomize
