I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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