I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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