I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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