that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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