just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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