Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
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