I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
