I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
