I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Randomize
