I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
