Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize