Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
