Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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