you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
His hands were made for my vagina.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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