smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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