i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
