did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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