I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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