nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
