when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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