I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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