I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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