i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
