just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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